It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
