im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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