My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
