Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
