what if every blade of grass was a penis?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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