Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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