god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
