I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
