You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
