I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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