My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
