I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
