So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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