Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
