If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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