life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
