Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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