when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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