even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
