Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
