At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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