It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize