i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
