Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
