you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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