I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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