hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
