I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
