Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
