I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize