Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Randomize
