i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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