I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
