a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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