I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
