My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We had sex on a dog bed..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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