We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
