I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize