After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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