i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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