I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
