can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
