Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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