Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
