I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
