dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
