Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
