I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
