did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
