Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
