why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
