Porn is love you can see.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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