That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
