just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
