ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
