I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
