Im at strip club and am horny
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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