i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm passing your future prison.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
just found out that she named her cat after me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
