i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
