hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize