You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
