Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
