Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
