this beer tastes like vomit already
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
