I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
