So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
