I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
